Only now can I appreciate the good times

I am a piece of kaka for a blog friend aren’t I?

For anyone stopping by to check on me, a big Thank You, that is so sweet. I mean that.

Making it through the holidays without my sister...well...it almost killed me. I am now one of the walking wounded taking the glorious anti-depressant Paxil. I never in my life thought I would see the day when I would end up taking something like that. Never.

But I do feel better now, took a couple of months but I do feel better.

Boy oh boy, did I make Big Guy’s life a living hell. Took out everything on him, gave it my best shot to drive him away. I’m such a horror story.

I sat around talking about what he should do when I die. I wrote down bequeaths and how I wanted a cremation and no ceremony.

Then as a topper I talked about my favorite ways to kill myself. My weariness of living, of existing, of simply being alive made death seem like heaven. I was an asshole through and through.

I made him cry more than once.

The shame I feel for that will probably haunt me forever. How can I forgive myself for being so mean to such a nice, wonderful, man?

At the same time as my ongoing meltdown I kept going in my daily life. Some wonderful, fantastic times happened. I was one of the greatest actresses ever (course I have always said if your married you can act...oops... humor...who’d a thunk?). I felt terrible, hated everyone, but I put a smile of my face and acted my way through the happiness and celebration. Pretended a lot, not just a lot, but all the time I guess.

The stress from that alone damn near killed me. When I look in the mirror now I have aged ten years, no lie, and no exaggeration. The eyes tell it all.

Only now can I appreciate the good times, I guess because of Paxil...and a lot of exercise. No kidding, I’m up to three miles a day walking and other exercises. It definitely did improve my outlook and mood.

Well that’s an update, an honest and true update.

Right now I’m trying to cope with needing this Paxil, I feel such shame for being so weak.

I’m also working hard to reassure my Big Guy, make him feel better. The toll of being around that was hard on him. He took the full brunt of my personal horror story; no one else even had a clue.

I love him; I love my Big Guy down to the marrow of my bones. To think that I hurt him like I did makes me want to weep with shame. I still have a hard time believing I did that.

Well, if any of you have stopped by to check on me, again, a big Thank You. I did think of you even when I was at my bottom and in my heart I was wishing you well. And I missed you.

So there you have it. Do you think badly of me now that you know I’m on Paxil? Do you think I’m less of a human being? Because I feel less, I feel weaker than the rest of you. Why do I need to take something when people with far more problems don’t?

I think of my mother, all she went through in her life, and the shame of having to take a drug hit’s me all over again.

Anyways, it’s past 4AM and I have to get to work on a project. Boss will be here about 9AM and expects me to be finished. Ah well, what can I say? The basic instinct for survival kicks in no matter how low I get, I want to earn that money. Heh.

Comments

[Deliverance]

I did check on you. Every day. And I'm glad you're back. Don't be too hard on yourself with the big guy. Most of us guys know it comes with the territory cause we do it too. Welcome back. Keep up the walking. That physical exercise is a big part of the cure.

[Jo]

Hey, I'm glad you're feeling better, and, I'm glad you're back.

[Catfish]

I am sorry about your sister. I am also on Paxil 37 and a half mg, it helps, but watchout, some days are just real tough. Take care and peace to you, Cat

[pam]

Glad to see you back, BeeBee! And let me tell you this, my friend... Ditch the shame from something you couldn't control. It'll eat you up for... nothing!
Give yourself a break; you're only human. [Or is there something we don't know? ;>]

I hurt my back somehow on Christmas Eve and finally the pain and lack of movement started to depress me... I would have killed for an anti-depressant, instead I started drinking every night. Nope, THAT'S not on my site, is it?? LOL!

Stuff happens, and we deal the best way we can.

Huge Hugs to you and Big Guy. Hope to see you later this year when I'm back in town! :)

[Deborah]

I had only read you for a short time when you stopped writing. I was hoping you'd be back soon, but thought you'd be back when you were ready. You have nothing to be ashamed of; Paxil is helping you now and one day, you won't need it. Until then, exercise, take care of yourself, and more importantly, forgive yourself. If you're anything like me, that will be the hardest part.

[tracy]

Welcome back miss bee! How we love to beat ourselves up. My therapist...yep, I said therapist...told me that I can never get back on my feet if I keep kicking myself down. You are a wonderful, funny, productive woman and loving wife. It's time to stop dwelling on mistakes that happen when we are not truly ourselves and begin appreciating what is truly important about who we are. I thank God every day for giving Dr.s the ever evolving knowlege about our brains, that they can discover a remedy for depression (which is becoming known as a potentially terminal illness with the suicides it's responsible for) and put it in a pill. My family practitioner once told me that the nation should put prozac in the water because it doesn't do anything to people who dont need it but can save a life for those who do. You're a light and strength to those you love and that will never change, even after a serious bout with depression. Keep your chin up....if we didn't go through a rough patch or two, we'd never fully appreciate the good times. oxox

[Harvey]

First, I'm *giddy* with delight that you posted again. You're a hard woman to live without.

Second, EVERYONE medicates. Smokes, booze, chocolate... whatever it takes to ease the pain. Just so happens your medicine has a fancy name & comes in a pill. I'm just happy you found something that works.

And bless your Big Guy for being there for you. Love is the best drug of all.

[Angela]

Ditto, ditto, ditto. I agree with everyone here. I am sorry you've had an awful year and I'm glad you are doing better. Welcome back, BeeBee. You have been missed but never forgotten.

[livey]

From a woman who has been there and back many times, let me assure you, there is no shame in taking medication to make yourself better. I know I went through it many times.
All I have to do is think of my "Mother." That woman should have been on medication when I was a baby, but she was too ashamed, still is and tried to shame me for getting the help I needed.
If she had swallowed her shame and gotten help, I might not have been so fucked up. And that's the truth!
Hang in there BeeBee, you are doing great despite it all!

[Beth]

Oh, BeeBee, I'm so glad to see you are back. Don't feel bad about being on Paxil - I'm on Zoloft and it saved my life and my marriage!

I have missed you sooooo much!

[Shelly]

So glad you are back! I checked in every day and said many prayers for you...I figured you were having a difficult time and needed the prayers to help you through all this.

[Kelly]

Hey, I'm new..found you through Livey's place and I have to say something. If you had heart disease or any other kind of disease would you feel bad about taking a med to make you feel better? I didn't think so. The brain is an organ like the rest and sometimes it gets sick too and needs some medicine to help it fire right. Don't sweat that stuff...it means that you are STRONG..strong enough to seek help...not weak. It takes courage to seek out change...it really does. The most weak of us are the ones that would rather stay miserable than do what's needed to feel better. Good luck to you and I hope you find some peace in your life!

[sarahk]

oh BeeBee, i missed you so much! you popped into my head just now so i figured i'd stop by and leave another comment. and yay you're here!

woman, i'm so sorry for what you're going through. whatever helps get you through it is great.

give Big Guy a big hug from me.

[RamonGustav]

I think you have a thorough understanding in this matter. You describe in detail all here.

[Antivirus_man]

You write well will be waiting for your new publications.

[school_dubl]

Happy New Year! The author write more I liked it.