Sitting here doing paperwork and then some more paperwork I find I miss the physical work of my youth. When I used to get up in the dark in order to get work done before school. It was mindless, physical, grunt labor but more rewarding than what I do now.
I wasn’t paid for it, work was done for the benefit of family and that was payment enough. If you didn’t do the work someone else had to do it on top of theirs and even if I was sick as can be I would struggle to get up and do my chores. So did everyone else in the family.
You knew you were sick when no one would let you work. My family would gang up on the poor sick one and insist that they stay in bed. I know I felt abused when they ganged up on me a few times, I’d cry as I went to lie down. I know that when it happened to them they felt abused too.
I’ve tried going to a gym, exercise classes, aerobics, whatever and I never felt the sheer pleasure of the exhaustion I felt when I worked as a child. When I tried these new ways of exercising, while they worked, I felt no satisfaction from it, even felt silly because it produced not results that were for the good of anyone but me. It was not the sense of achievement I felt growing up.
Big Guy will get angry with me when I start to do physical, hard, heavy labor around the house. He looks at me with this quizzical expression on his face and asks why I don’t ask for help.
Maybe it’s because he grew up in the city, maybe it’s because his mom divided work into man’s work and woman’s work.
All I know is I can’t ask, something in me takes it as failure to ask for help. Just to do a little work, to clean out the garage, to move bookcases, and to make a cement patio?
Why should I ask? I can do that; feel that sense of accomplishment it takes to figure out how to do it myself. I figure so what if it’s heavy, use my brain, figure out how to do it all by myself.
This is a rambling post, just a bunch of thoughts thrown out to clear my head out. Almost feels like I’m trying to come to a decision about something or changing something but beats me if I know what.