I guess I’m going to live, shit

I guess I’m going to live, shit. I sure didn’t want to but what’s a girl to do? After my sister died all I could think about was dying, wanting to die, wishing for it, wondering if I should just do it myself.

I’m fifty-three years old and I was tired and weary of it all.

My life has been lived to the fullest, surrounded with passionate and crazy ass people. If you think what I write borders on unbelievable, let me tell you right now that I haven’t even told you even a portion of what I could have.

I’ve just given little dabs of what my reality is, just tiny little drops, smidgens of what I could of wrote. To write it all would have meant that maybe people just wouldn’t have believed me. Yes, my life has been that bizarre, that strange.

But now? As my dream boy Rhett would say, “Quite frankly Scarlet, I don’t give a damn.”

So many stories to tell, so much to tell someone about, and I think, what the hell, maybe I’ll just do that. Tell it all, put it out there.

When my sister died I quit writing, it was the best way to punish myself for being alive. Most of my life, every morning I wrote in my journal. It was my way of staying sane, my way of dumping the trash.

Damn, did I suffer when I quit. It was like a little death everyday, no way to get those thoughts out, and no way to dump it so that I wouldn’t carry it with me all day and night. I wanted to carry that trash with me, I wanted to hurt.

This morning I started writing in my journal again, I wrote for over 3 hours, just wrote and wrote. Let me tell you, I dumped some really nasty, stinky, smelly, trash.

Whoo eee, did it ever feel good.

Big Guy asked what I was doing, and I told him writing. I thought he was going to cry with happiness.

I know he has been scared, upset, with my grief, of what I’ve been going through. Big Guy wanted to help me but he couldn’t find a way to do that. I just wouldn’t let the poor man in to help. I cut him out of my life and hurt him badly by doing that.

But when Big Guy saw me writing this morning, he called work and told them he wasn’t coming in today.

That is our bond, that my friends, is a deeply committed relationship and years of struggle of two people who have held each other tightly through thick and thin.

Big Guy is staying home so we can spend the day together because, by my writing again, he knows I’ve chosen to get on with life.

My beloved and cherished Big Guy wants to spend the first day of the rest of my life with me. I am one lucky woman.

So here is a post for you, one honest and heartfelt post, that has no story to it, no point to make. Just letting you in on my life.

Comments

[livey]

I'm sorry for your loss, but congrats on everything else and wb, you were missed.

[Shelly]

Welcome back! You were so missed!!!!

[troos2 roos]

sweets, I've been quite on my journal for ages, which means I haven't been following links to my favorite blogs...today was my first day back and what a thrill to visit you and see you're back too. yay you! oxox, tracy

[tracy]

sweets, I've been quite on my journal for ages, which means I haven't been following links to my favorite blogs...today was my first day back and what a thrill to visit you and see you're back too. yay you! oxox, tracy

[sarahk]

oh, welcome back, dear BeeBee! and give Big Guy a huge hug for me!

[Harvey]

Welcome back, and...

more please :-)

Missed you, BeeBee.

[Beth Donovan]

Oh, BeeBee, I'm so happy you are back with us!
I will most definitely meet you in Houston, and I can't wait!

[Sally]

Welcome back!

[pam]

Welcome back, BeeBee! We've missed you so! :)

[Machelle]

I am so happy you are back!

And it's good to hear that you are ready to back!

[Boudicca]

I was hoping with time you could come back.

I've missed you and have been hurting for you.