Pam over at pamibe wrote a short piece about her neighbors that I left a comment on. Since now I can’t rid myself of this visual I’ll pass it on.
We have a neighbor we have nicknamed Speedo Man. He’s so dreadful, so horrible, the torture of living across the street from him has been one of the reasons I have contemplated moving. Speedo Man does yard word in his teeny, tiny, Speedo’s. Maybe if he was young and really, really, good-looking I could tolerate this. Naw, Speedo’s have never done anything for me.
I don’t like to ever comment of anyone’s figure. That’s just not polite. But in this case I have to make an exception so I can give you the visual. He’s at least, minimum, 100 pounds overweight, is bald, and wears goggles with his Speedo’s and goulashes or boots and is now in his fifties. Since I have lived in this house 10 years, I’ve had the horror of seeing everything, all his moving bits, drop from gravity and age. Speedo Man’s ass is furry; I know I see it at least once a week. Gravity has taken its toll on him just like everyone else.
I know the size of his dick, the shape of his balls. The horror is unbelievable.
I’ve rushed into my house after seeing him, and asked Jesus to save me from this horror. I have wished that I could have episodes of blindness, a kind of temporary blindness that only occurs when he’s doing his yard work.
The man loves to work in his yard. He bends over, he reaches, he sweats, all his bit's moving, it’s more than I can handle.
When I go out my front door I keep my head down just so I won’t catch a peek. But some how that S.O.B. gets in my sight.
I’ve daydreamed about getting the air rifle and shooting him in the ass from my window more times than I can count. So far I have managed to hold back but I don’t know how much longer I can do that.
He haunts me too. Speedo Man pop’s into my head at odd times. I can be at work, driving the car, having sex, working in my own garden (fully clothed) and that S.O.B. pops in my brain for a visual. Nasty, that’s what it is.
When Speedo Man pop’s into my mind my face scrunches up, I lose whatever momentum I have going, and he takes away my will to live. He makes me want to drink or do drugs, I could turn into an alcoholic or drug addict easy if I had to see him everyday.
I can go on and on. It’s just horrible, terrible, I often wonder what terrible deed I have ever done to deserve this.
EVERYTIME I SEE SPEEDO MAN MOWING HIS YARD I WANT TO SHOOT HIM IN THE ASS.